We fed an enormous amount of travel data into the Gaia machine learning AI and cross checked it with the quadratic equation and the grand unified theory of everything. This spit out matrices of statistics that we hacked into the Serbian military’s neural network and bounced off of aging alien satellites orbiting Wolf 1069 b out in Cygnus. Got tired of waiting on the results from that so, using a more traditional method, we stuffed towels in our own mouths and upper decked our own brains to flush out a stew of numbers and statistics to sum up the trips shenanigans on one big stupid page of nonsensical mind manure.

May we proudly present our Rally Tallies…

Countries visited – 17

(Coming in second for most countries visited on a single trip. The Mongol Rally was 19)

• • Czech Republic
  • Poland
  • Lithuania
  • Latvia
  • Estonia
  • Germany
  • Austria
  • Slovakia
  • Hungary
  • Romania
  • Serbia
  • North Macedonia
  • Kosovo
  • Albania
  • Montenegro
  • Italy
  • Vatican City

Capital cities goonified – 13

• • Prague
  • Warsaw
  • Vilnius
  • Riga
  • Tallinn
  • Vienna
  • Bratislava
  • Budapest
  • Belgrade
  • Skopje
  • Tirana
  • Rome
  • Vatican City

Transportation

• • Cab rides – 7
  • Cab rides across borders – 1 (Albania -> Montenegro)
  • Cab rides to the wrong train station – Pompeii
  • Train rides – 15
  • Train rides to the wrong place – 1
  • Times we got on the wrong train but got to the right place – 1
  • Subways – 8
  • Number of tickets bought to “Literally anywhere” – 3
  • Nights spent in the tractor district – 1
  • Failed Lime Rides – 2
  • Canyon boat ride – Matka, North Macedonia
  • Overnight Boat rides – Albania to Italy

People

Best People:

• • Cheryl and Simon in Bologna
  • The Riga Boys
  • Thomas from Wicked Weasel in Riga
  • The Bosnian/Greek Birthday Girls in Innsbruck
  • Emil the Austrian Lad in Bratislava/Budapest (aka Ass Antlers)
  • Irish Jerry and Yoka the Finn in Munich
  • Sebastian from Bern in Vilnius
  • Ivan our server at Jadran in Budva
  • Brazo our server in Florence
  • Octopus Guy and Horny Server Guy from Mamma Angela in Rome
  • Freedom Hostel owner Raul and Max in Timisoara
  • Zen our cab driver into Montenegro
  • The Kool Kids on the bus to Riga

Worst People:

• • Romain the no-manners laptop douche in Munich
  • Monsoon Breath Path in Wroclaw
  • That sack of shit Arthur in Kaunas lying through his teeth
  • Bitchface in Riga who kept us from leaving the country
  • Alex the player from Montreal who jacked our beer in Timisoara
  • “I did my job, you pay now!” cab driver in Pompeii who took us to the wrong place
  • The Kool Kids on the bus to Riga

Best Animals

• • Kitler the cat in Budva
  • The Albanian Dog Posse in Shkodër
  • Local Goose in Matka Canyon
  • Dora the puppy in Reveller’s Hostel, Belgrade
  • Narcopiggy

Music

• • Best Boy Band – Two way tie (both in Riga)
    • The Dark Side of Sunshine
    • Riga Goons
  • Best Karaoke Performance – Sabotage in Vilnius
  • Best Hit Single (written by us) – Journey of the Stone
  • “Best” Hit Single (not written by us) – Dance Monkey
    • Number of times we heard it – 17
  • Worst Song of the trip – One Week
  • Best Fortress Jazz – Belgrade
  • Mariachi-style traditional table sing along – Tri Šešira, Belgrade
  • Number of “Brickrolls” – Surprisingly zero

Museums

Not only do they offer unique learning and cultural experiences, they are a great way to feel like you’re spending quality time in a country when you’re actually just too hungover to do anything else.

• • The Devil’s Museum – Kaunas
  • Warsaw Uprising Museum
  • Kaisergruft – Vienna
  • Nepal Now Exhibit – Vienna
  • Imperial Armory – Vienna
  • Residenz – Munich
  • Beer Museum – Prague
  • Torture Museum – Prague
  • Museum of Sex Machines – Prague
  • Museum of Communism – Prague
  • KGB Museum – Tallinn
  • Museum of Illusions – Bratislava
  • Elektrotechnikai Múzeum – Budapest
  • Buda Museum Surrealism Exhibit – Budapest
  • Pompeii Archeological site – Italy
  • Auschwitz

Castles

Ditto goes for castles, forts, and churches as with museums.
But we were fortunate enough to stumble upon a lot of great jazz joints and bars in the Balkan fortresses and we don’t know why that doesn’t just happen everywhere.

• • Kiek in de Kok – Tallinn, Estonia
  • Bratislava Castle – Slovakia
  • Devin Castle – Bratislava, Slovakia
  • Buda Castle – Budapest
  • Belgrade Fortress – Serbia
  • Niš Fortress – Serbia
  • Prague Castle – Czech Republic
  • Skopje Fortress – North Macedonia
  • Prizren Fortress – Kosovo
  • Rozafa Castle – Albania
  • Budva Old Town – Montenegro
  • San Giovanni – Kotor, Montenegro
  • Castello Svevo – Bari, Italy
  • Castle Nuovo – Naples, Italy

Top Notch Goonery

The Bardar was on point once again and led us to a number of fun, fragmented memories in rando places

• • Metal Bar Night – Wroclaw, Poland
  • Karaoke and gold-plated AK Hookah – Vilnius, Lithuania
  • Old Town w The Boys – Riga, Latvia
  • Depeche Mode Bar – Tallinn, Estonia
  • Shithead and Snus – Munich, Germany
  • Niš Fortress shot fest – Niš, Serbia
  • Bosnian Birthday Bash (well, Greek actually) – Innsbruck, Austria
  • Locals hang at Gnigler Stub’N – Salzburg, Austria
  • Blues Hostel night with Ass Antlers – Bratislava, Slovakia
  • Ellato Kert and Cool Tour (also w Ass Antlers) – Budapest, Hungary
  • Blasting Carpenter Brut on Budva Beach – Budva, Montenegro
  • Hanging w Brazo at Giannino in San Lorenzo – Florence, Italy
  • Seven Secrets of Bologna w Simon and Cheryl – Italy
  • Night Moths around Rome – Italy
  • La Biga outside the Colosseum – Italy

Food and Drink

• • Number of shots in a Serbian Flaming Lamborghini – 10
  • Most ordered drink – dG&Ts
  • Best cocktail – Mezcal Negroni from Alchemikas
  • Cocktail we never ordered but should have – Jagger Mojito
  • Best homemade drink – The Pálinka that Raul’s dad makes in Timisoara

Best Meals

• • Potato soup and Sausage Plate – Ratskeller, Munich
  • Elk stew, sausages, and pastries – Ill Draakon, Tallinn
  • Halušky, stuffed dumplings and sheep milk – Slovak Pub, Bratislava
  • Big Big Wooden Platter for Two – Hungarian Hell’s Kitchen, Budapest
  • Veal Soup and Mixed Meat Platter – Tri Šešira, Belgrade
  • Kybyn, Chili, Chicken Kiev, and a Pork Steak with forest mushroom cream sauce – Traku Dvarelis, Trakai
  • Larded Beef in cream sauce, Tenderloin schnitzel – Máchova plzeňská, Prague
  • Charcuterie plate, Haloumi Salad, Beef Risotto – “Commie Kitchen”, Niš
  • Peppers in cream sauce, Veal fillet stuffed with beef bacon, cheese and gerkins – Marashi, Prizren
  • Sweet Dutch Babies – Parlor, Prague
  • Shakshouka – Sugamour, Vilnius

Worst Meals

• • Belgrade pizza stew
  • Meatball breakfast mess at the bus station in Prizren
  • Bus station burritos
  • Anne’s Franks

Number of times…

• • Someone lost their ID – 1
  • Someone found their lost ID in a random bar the next day – 1
  • We got on the BRAT – 4
  • We were denied leaving a country – 1
  • We revised the plan and route – 15
  • We got to a city and DGAF’d it – 32%
  • We were not tricked into buying coke – 2
  • We stayed up until sunrise – 5
  • the cops radioed in a fat guy doing fat guy stuff – 1
  • We snus’d up – 7
  • We almost became Disney princesses – 2
  • Things took a turn for the stupid – 46%
  • We for no reason have been to Niš, Serbia – 2
  • We douched it big time – 100%
  • We wished we’d jumped it with a jetski and yelled, “Keep the change ya jabronies!” – 1000%

Random Shit

• • Number of secrets found in Bologna – 5/7
  • Number of Mystery Cults joined – 2
  • Number of corpses we saw encased in ash – 13
  • Best Fresco – Sheep Buggery in Pompeii
  • “Ugliest” Building – Slovak Radio Tower, Bratislava
  • Most over-the-top monument – Alexander the Great, Skopje
  • Best new word – Kikiriki
  • Best Hostel – Three-way tie:
    • Wombats, Vienna
    • Plus Hostel, Florence
    • Yellow Hostel, Rome
  • Worst Hostel – Pizza Hostel, Naples
  • Tickle Fights – 3
  • Boxer Time – Every Night!
  • Albania Dog Posses formed – 1
  • Number of castles/fortresses visited with jazz lounges – 6
  • Best new sayings:
    • Ass Antlers
    • Goonery del Mundo
    • Lightspeed to the danger zone
  • Best future bar idea – Rotten Ronnies
  • Number of Disney umbrellas purchased – 2
  • Best New App – KFC Dating Simulator “I Love you Colonel Sanders”

Of course, if none of this makes any sense just go back to the start.