Kiek in de Kök

Breakdar mission complete, all systems green, time to bust through the wall into that Nietsitorn Museum. We walk in and get tickets from a smiley chap at the front. Hmmm interesting layout, there are a few ways to go here, we’re pretty much in the middle of the wall. Towers to the left and right, tunnels below us. Ok, it’s like a choose your own adventure. There is a collection of signs and paintings to get a preview of things to come.

Elegant castle decor, pictures of naval battles, Danish conquerors…

…a badass cannon called The Bitter Death…

…a dark painting with helmets on pikes in the fields outside the castle…

…and this colorful chair/costume thingy that is given no explanation whatsoever

I like this tidbit below about the Tallinn Executioner. This unique Executioner Sword +3 with the wheel and gallows carved on it is super cool. It has a notched tip that whistles while it makes the decisive slice, and an engraving that reads, “God’s mercy and allegiance are new every morning. When I raise my sword I help the sinner into eternal afterlife.”

Oogie took a pic of the House of the Tallinn Executioner earlier today. Re-biff for good measure

Alright, the whistles are wet. Ready?

Kiek in de Kök Tower

“I mean… seriously?” That’s right. Read it again. And again. I know. Translates to ‘Peep into the Kitchen’. This girthy artillery tower is the most prominent in the Tallinn walls. Even has cannon balls from the 1500s still lodged in it. Let’s go… I dunno.. Let’s go up… there’s just so much you can do with a name like that. Perhaps better to just not do anything. Into the museum.

Why am I not booting McBurger in the junk in this picture?

Things start off with some Medieval torture scenes. They’re cute and all but we done already got our fill back in Prague at the Torture Museum

There’s a model on the ground that shows the ring of towers around the city and town hall below the castle.

The rest of the floor is an assortment of things. This dapper gent…

…fake dudes w a cannon…

…info and scenes from the plague…

…cool old maps of the area…

The next few floors are dedicated to an evolution of weaponry throughout the ages from medieval to WWII times.

Some sweet six shooters

Well that’s neat. On the top floor there is a giant hanging stone ball that looks like some sort of clock. The views from the top of the tower are stellar.

“Alright, we kicked in the cock. What’s next?”, “Tunnels?”, “Tunnels!”

We curve our way back down the spiral staircase

Tunnels of Tallinn

We get back down to the base of the Kök and find the entrance to the tunnels. The old dude at the front desk points us to a booth that has a QR code to download an app that has helpful info for the tour. We get on our devices and start the download while we head into the depths. Of course we quickly lose wifi connectivity as we descend, downloads halt and this turns into a total bust. Ah well, let’s just see what we see.

Things get creepy in a hurry with ghost projections on the wall and audio of people screaming.

Then there’s an odd homage to the Sex Pistols with a band shot on the stone walls (which I failed to get a pic of) and some punked up crash test dummies and graffiti around it

Things quickly shift into the real reason for the tunnels…

…with all sorts of World War era communications equipment and gas masks. Exploding bombs and shelling sounds fill out the eerie atmosphere. This plus the claustrophobic tunnel walls level us with intentional discomfort. It’s effective.

Handkerchiefs with directions on how to make bandages and tourniquets.

…blast doors…

Lots of warning and propaganda signs along the walls…

…and pics of civilians huddled down here in the shelters from bombing raids. Must have been scary.

Yeah, no thanks. Our lives seem simple and easy by comparison.

On that note, here’s me dorkin’ a checkpoint…

The lighting in the tunnels is well done.

City of Ruins

This beautiful sun and stars iron gate takes us into an area called City of Ruins.

Point being that before the bombs started falling all of these buildings were adorned with amazing sculpture and carvings dating back through the ages. This part of the tunnels is dedicated to what was found in the ruins of what must have once been an artistic and ornate city.

Some old carving tools

The detectives put their heads together to navigate this long one-way tunnel

Yep, that’s it. And now we must walk aaaaaaaaaaall the way back out of the tunnels the way we came.

I spy a restroom sign near the tunnels entrance and motion to the boys that I’m hitting the little girls room. It’s a weird wrought iron stairwell down to… oh no.. no. The stall looks like someone packed the bowl full of human feces and tossed a grenade in. There’s shit on the walls. Is that shit on the ceiling? How is this possible? Maybe the plumbing backed up and toilet barfed it all over the room? Oh god the smell. Fuck. Why am I still looking at this? Abort, abort!

When I get back to the top of the stairs Oogie decides maybe a bathroom break isn’t a bad idea. I go to stop him, “Ahhh….”. He pauses for a second and I decide that maybe it actually would be better to have someone else experience this. I wave it off as nothing and chuckle to myself as he traipses into the shit town shit storm. “What the fuck?!” Laughing he comes back to join us. “Guess the tunnels scared the shit out of someone.”

This is a Rooooom!

Well where to next? We turn a corner from the tunnels and are suddenly in a very modern conference room with a projector. There are water bottles out, clearly some sort of meeting or conference in the works here. A tall pudgy lady in glasses spots us, has a visible inner freak out, and rushes straight over waving her hands, “No no no no no! You can not be in this room! This is a rooooom. Oh no! You must leave now. This is a room! Sorry not this room. This is a rooooom!”, “Ok, sorry sorry.” Haha man she’s losing it, wonder what’s up with that room. (Imitating her voice and saying “No no no, this is a roooom!” instantly becomes an ongoing joke)

Back to the center of the walls we find a cafe in the Maiden Tower and nab some waters. There are suits of platemail all around. They look sooo uncomfortable. How the hell do you fight in that?

Not sure what’s happening here but I like everything about it.

Platemail chairs are metal AF!

View from the Maiden Tower Cafe

Back by the Kök and we briefly get lost trying to find the rest of the towers before realizing the doorway was in the cafe we’d just come from.

Ah, here we go.

We traverse the upper walkway between the Maiden Tower and the Tallinntorn Tower.

Into the Tallinntorn, up the stairs to the top floor, and oddly enough it’s showing a silent film called Borrow the Wife. Sooooo… this dude’s uncle has been sending money to support his wife and child for a while now and, can you believe it? Now he wants to visit. But dear lordy he doesn’t have a wife or a child at all! He’s been scamming Uncle Sucker the whole time. What is going to happen when he finds out? I know! Get someone to act as the wife! That’ll fool stupid uncle and keep the checks rolling in for sure! What could go wrong? Etc…

I like this random addition to the tour but honestly this old-timey humor is only so entertaining.

Unless you’re MacKay and these two who are glued to the screen like it’s fucking Citizen Kane or something.

Ok, that was a good journey through the history of the walls, towers, tunnels, cities and cinema. I think we’re about done here.

“100 Beers?”, “Oh definitely.”

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