Sex Machines

(Disclaimer: If the title of this post wasn’t obvious enough, McBurger and Diesel would like to formally suggest that you please not read this at work. Graphic images to follow. Thank-you, have a wonderful day)

Wake up at decent o’clock and go to the lounge area to see what the free breakfast is all about. Pretty much as expected, bare bones cereals, instant coffee, toast and jams. I make a coco puff coffee cuz I live by my own damn rules (It’s terrible).

They’re blasting expletive driven gangster rap. No Limit by G-Eazy comes on.

Kiwi John is up, “Morning”, “You’re up early”, “Yeah, couldn’t sleep so well”, “No wonder.”

MacKay comes out all fresh and clean in a bright button up shirt. “I like your Sponge Bob shirt dude”, “Hey, fuck you”

There are a few murals on the walls going down the steps to exit Post Hostel.

Nailed it!

We’re out the door at a relatively early ten-ish and on the breakfast hunt. It’s brisk today. One minute down the street and James is questioning his choice to wear shorts, “Kinda chilly today”, “Not cold enough for Sponge Bob Square Shorts”, “Fuck you man, I’m comfy.” A few more minutes, “Yep, a little cold for shorts”, “Well you made your decision and now you live with it.”

We’re passing by that gothic Church of St Lumida again and spot a sign for a Non-Stop KFC. We start laughing about a KFC rave where Colonel Sanders is just throwing chicken in the air with a strobe light behind him. Chicken chicken chicken chicken chicken everywhere! SpongeShorts MacKay starts telling me about a KFC dating simulator. “Yeah so KFC actually made a dating simulator where you…”, and he gets completely distracted by a total stunner that flashes angel eyes at us from the bus stop. “…Ahh you were saying dude”, “Wow, did you see her eyes?”, “Yep. TKO”, “Ahh…. where was I?”, “Some fucking KFC dating simulator?”, “Oh yeah…. so KFC put out a game where you try to date Colonel Sanders”, “What, that’s ridiculous.”

I look it up and it’s total Sailor Moon style anime

Image result for kfc dating simulator

This thing has a 10/10 rating on Steam with 3,600 reviews. What the hell?

Game Synopsis
Welcome to the most delicious dating simulator ever created. Do you have what it takes to be the business partner of and win the heart of the most famous chicken salesman of all time? Play to find out! Go ahead, Colonel Sanders is waiting.”

Our mission was to go through a lot of museums we’d compiled, prioritizing by how cool they sounded, how close they were, and how museum’d out we’d eventually find ourselves. Despite its baller exterior and proximity we were told the National Museum is a bag of shit so we left it off the list.

At a tram-themed café in Wenceslas Square we found a couple bowls of goulash and got them in us. Hearty and narmzy.

We looked around for the nearby Cold War Museum. There didn’t seem to be any sign of it so we walked into a hotel at approximately where Google Maps said it’d be and asked the front desk. It’s in the hotel? Buuuuut only guided tours are allowed and the first one isn’t for another couple hours. Skip it and move on to the “Museum of Senses”.

Way easier to find, walk into the entryway and a girl says “Sorry guys…” Closed? “No, there’s no electricity in the whole building and we don’t know when there will be.” She gave us coupons for a discount if/when we returned. Oh for two to start the morning, not great.

We’re jam packed into a narrow Old Town alleyway when we approach out next planned destination and a group of English guys behind us spot it and start joking. “Look, the museum of sex machines! That’s where all these people are going! Haha!” I turn back and say “Fuckin eh we are buddy!”, and with that we entered Prague’s Museum of Sex Machines.

Greeting us was a fine young lady mannequin mounted atop an automatic butt-slapping device:

The exhibit starts three floors up, and the stairwell up is covered in classic pornographic photography, some of the eras being when razors were less popular, apparently. We step into a room of glass cases and it’s immediately hilarious.

Can you guess what this mirrored receptacle is for?

If you guessed it’s a chamber pot with a mirror affixed for observing one’s own genitals while shitting/pissing, congratulations, you’re correct, and you’re also a freak.

Best seesaw ever!

I think you can guess what all of these are for:

Oldest dildo on the planet, painstakingly pieced back together with soft, supple hands

Classy box o’ porn

Sweet muff on this box

The guy next to us is cracking up, “A jerk off machine, isn’t that brilliant!”, “I hope they sell them at the gift shop.” The whole room starts snickering awkwardly

Is your child masturbating way too much at night? Just attach this handy cock rig that rings an alarm every time that horn dog tries.

There’s a crank on the side of this but unfortunately it’s behind a glass case. Love to see it in action.

 

A simple ‘secret’ pillow’

Some of the wackier contraptions definitely deserve some more in-depth explanation, though…

This is a kind of pen a woman is placed into where she can utilize a pedal to pump the rear, uh, attachment. I’m not sure if this was intended for recreational use or if it’s the kind of thing that was used to simmer down “hysterical” ladies in the olden days.

This is a big teddy bear with a (hard to see) dildo attached. Clearly someone meant to throw it into a bin labeled “kill it with fire” and accidentally put it in bin labeled “for museum display”.

Yeah .. I dunno man.

This rig is a battery and a variable resistor with an attachment that goes on the base of the shaft. A wand (missing its wire, maybe?) is used to close the circuit and electrocute the penis for “various types of stimulation”. Gahhhh

This is straight out of Mac’s apartment on Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

This is coal-powered. Fucking coal-powered! Imagine filling your place with smoke using this! For that matter, how do you keep feeding it coal when you’re in the heat of things??

Here are a variety of “anti-masturbation” devices. Gahhhh

Another. GAHHHH

Oh no, no, no, no, no

A more humane approach for the same purpose – an “anti-masturbation suit”. I guess this is for when you have fancy events to attend, like court

Finally, here are three pieces of furniture that are fucking nasty. I generally don’t kink shame but if you’re interested in these, you need church ASAP

To cap it all off is Miss Sex Machine herself

There’s an old school cinema in the back where you can sit in super close uncomfortable old wooden seats and watch black and white pornos with strangers that you met in the Sex Machines Museum.

SpongeCock SquareNards gets super into it

On the way out was a giant wooden penis from a Japanese festival:

Prouuuud

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