Bali An Sex Hotel

We get back to the train station from the castle and go to the JR ticketing area to book a bullet back to Osaka. Can’t get the one in a half hour with our passes. One after that there are no reservations left. Next one….. is in 10 minutes. Shit! Don’t know if we can make it, still have to go get our bags from the hidden lockers at the end of the station. It always turns into a race. Let’s do it!

We rush to the lockers at the far end of the station, running through the halls passed all the Momotaro bullshit. We fumble with the keys and rip the tanuki out of his hot little prison. Spin around and scramble back through the station trying to remember the right platform for the Shinkansen. Take the steps 3 at a time up to the platform…. wait, bento box? We push our luck and get a couple bento boxes. Point to plastic versions. Fastest way to order food. 1 minute to spare!

Get on the bullet train and nab our seats. Throw on some old Thievery Corp and bust the bento box. It’s hot in here, one beer in and I’m out cold.



We get back to the Namba Station in Osaka. Our old stomping grounds. Last night Queenie and I booked a love hotel here. It’s the weekend and there wasn’t really anything available so we just threw down on a sex hotel. It seems to be in a decent area, walking distance to the comedy club that we’re meeting Andrew and Rodney at too.

We keep seeing love hotels around and they are decent prices, I think they’re the last to book up because of the taboo that they’re just used for sex. But this one caught our eye and looks really cool so I’m excited to check it out.

It’s called the Bali An Hotel and Resort. We hike across town with our bags and find the spot no prob. The entrance looks like a classy temple in a rain forest.



We step through the doorway and it has a temple incense smell. We walk across a large foyer with all the lube, condoms and sex paraphernalia you could ever need. There’s a sign above that says ‘Free Amenities’. Everything but the beer is free? There’s free wine in barrels with spigots. Creams, lotions, toiletries, facial masks, etc… all free.



This place is legit! It’s nice in here too.


We get to the front desk and, as one might sexpect, the girls working here are incredibly hot and scantily clad. One with a thick British accent asks our name and gets us checked in. “Let me know if there’s aaaaanything you need.”

We go up to our room and check it out. Haha it rocks. The sex bed is massive. There’s a massage chair and a sextional leather couch.


The sex bed is equipped with the New Urban Time and Sex machine 5.0 with buttons to operate everything in the room from the blinds to the lighting, a couple of outlets and 2 USexB slots. Beesh Kneesh!


Flip on the tv and everything there is free too. Movies and room service. Massive porn selection, all free. You can even order up games and costumes and sex toys. All free. The food and drink options look sex bomb actually. And it’s 24 hour service.

This place is the shiiiiiiiiiizzzzzz!



I mix up my own version of a black freezing highball and hit the ma-sex chair.
Bird Ahhhhhhp!


We throw on a porn while we’re getting ready to go out. Why not, it’s free. What do we want to watch? Straight, gay, lesbian, interracial, bondage, BBC, BBW, BSDM, POV, DP, DVDA, hentai, anal, 3-ways, 4-ways.. ahhhh orgies.

In this edition of the Sex Chapel a bride and groom are getting happily married (“Oh Bee we could have a wedding like this!”). In a shocking turn of events the best man drops the ring and ends up right beside the brides freshly waxed vagina. He can’t help himself. Next thing you know there’s a Bride/Groom/Best Man threesome that makes all the wedding guests so damn horny they can’t control themselves. Chapel orgy. Instant classic.


There is also an awesome outdoor sex patio right outside our room. It has a fake grass area with sex hammocks, hanging sex chairs and a row of sex statues leading down to a sex shrine where you can pray to the Balinese Fertility Gods.




Nothing sex themed about this painting outside our room. Just thought it was cool.


The bathroom has a wide asexment of shampoos, conditioners, bath oils, soaps, curlers, hair dryers, an ice maker, sex, you name it…

Why in the hell have we not been staying in sex hotels the whole time?!


In the sex elevator there’s a sign showing that this place just opened sex months ago. Well, you guys knocked it out of the park


Ok, now that we’re mega turned on it’s time to go out and catch the stand up show at ROR Comedy. Can’t wait to see Rodney and Andrew again. This should make for a good last night out before flying back to reality tomorrow. Kind of sucks to be leaving, I’ve really fallen for Japan. I think my game plan tonight will be to get completely gooned and hit the airport hungover af tomorrow.

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