The Green Mango

So The Green Mango is an outdoor kind of dance club and bar and general debauchery spot that Agent Gets recalls from previous missions to Koh Samui. I’m picturing something similar to the Ark Bar we were at with buckets and whatnot 2 nights ago. Thailand’s King may have died but our hopes are that it’s hard to keep a good party down and it’s worth taking a look. Turns out it is hard to keep a good party down.

We roll up to the small lane that the Green Mango cul de sacs on. The whole line of bars is fairly pumping actually and I sense a great hope emerging in our post-king weary bones. The Green Mango is the last spot on the strip and it is a large sprawling outdoor place with several different bars and areas for drinking and dancing. There isn’t too many people here actually, the other places seemed a little more banging, but we grab a table and give it a go.

There are aggressive servers here with giant menus that drunk folks can read from space. They sit us down and land this thing on the table with so much enthusiasm to get you straight to the mega wasted zone that it’s actually a little intimidating. Slow your roll girl, I don’t even know what we’re looking at yet. Basically what we’re looking at is the bucket list. Not the things Morgan Freeman will cross off with you before you die, but just a list of liquor buckets that will kill you if you drink them all. And they’re pretty cheap. And it’s buy 3 get one free right now. And that’s retarded.

The girl really wants us to buy three but it just seems so ridiculous. If the pine forest of gin that we drank at Ark Bar the other day is any indication we definitely should not be drinking 3 buckets between the three of us. She allows us to get just two buckets with only a slight amount of disappointment in our drunkthusiasm.

“You got a white russian bucket? A white russian bucket?!”, Drisdelle had gotten a bucket of white russians. We got a kamikaze bucket. It was blue, blended and freezing cold brain numbing nonsense to drink out of from the seven straws in it. The dance music turns up a bit, more people start to pour in and the confluence of bucket magic is upon us.


While we sit there the whole space fills in around our little round cocktail table as more and more people come to the floor to bounce. A new server also comes over to our table and she is actually a riot. Great sense of humor, I can honestly say she was just as pushy as the others but it was totally tolerable because she was so damn funny about it.

She’d pantomime throwing the line and fishing, but it felt like she was making more fun of herself than of us. Like she knew she was fishing for drinks but making light of it. She’d come closer and drop hints for drinks. She’d be behind us dancing or trying to get us to dance. “Your hair is like a noodle!” and she was back at the table time and time again to check if we needed anything.

She found out it was Queenie’s birthday, “Jagger bombs! 3 jagger bombs, right?”, she’s making mushroom cloud charades around our heads. “Fuck it, let’s get them.” The girl is so happy about this, she starts pumping her fists and yelling jagger jagger jagger!

The drinks show up and they are massive jagger bombs. These are planet killer jagger bombs, not a one gulp thing. Not a 2-3 gulp thing. Jeeeebuz, here we go. And they’re down the hatch. “3 more right?” and the server girl is laughing her ass off at herself. I like this girl.

We’re part way out on the dance floor that has just acquiesced around our table and it seems we’re the center of attention. The girl to guy ratio is about 8 to 1 and the hotness meter is about to bust. “What is going on here?” Drisdelle and I can’t quite get a grip on it. Even Queenie is floored, “There are so many hot girls here. Jeebers!” Not only that but they all wanted our attention. We weren’t even doing anything, just sitting at our table drinking buckets, but for some reason we were being surrounded by some sort of hottie centrifuge.

I came to the following conclusion and will be testing this new theory on this trip. I describe it to Queenie over the noise of the music.

Murphy’s 2nd Law of Pupil to Pupil Interaction
Basically what’s happening here is similar to the tractor beam on the Death Star.

If you make eye contact with a Thai hottie and your pupils lock on she will be instantly drawn in towards you. But this is slightly intimidating and, depending on circumstance or aesthetic fondness, not always what you want. So you end up looking away. You shoot a second glance, so does she, you lock, and you’ve just confirmed there was validity in the first glance. Now you have her hopes and with them comes a few more baby step dance moves in your direction.

At this point you realize your with your girlfriend, or maybe have a girlfriend elsewhere, and should not be eye beaming Thai hotties straight to your coordinates. So you look away again. But that look away sends you looking at another Thai hottie, just in a different direction. That second Thai hottie is so hot that you just have to look again. She looks at you, you look at her, and now you’ve got two Thai Fighters homing in on you.

As you continue this series of glancing eye beams the hotties converge in on you and soon you have the situation which we now found ourselves in: Thai Hottie Centrifuge. This is when you are surrounded by Thai Fighters all dancing sexy as hell, because that’s why you looked over in the first place, and all wondering when you’re going to make the giant leap from that stupid bucket and snatch them up.

The process happened exceedingly fast in our instance because there were two people blasting pupil beams out into the crowd and honestly I think Queenie may even be attracting some of these girls too.

So there we were in the eye of the storm tying not to regain pupil lock on the Thai hotties that are just way too hot not to look at.

Queenie was holding up remarkably well here. I think her bewilderment eclipsed any sort of jealousy that may be forming. That or her brain was completely numbed by that damn kamikaze bucket.

Our hilarious server was back. She had an idea for us. None of us could make out what she was saying though. So she just went to the bar and came back with a shot. Covers it with her hand and pounds it on the table and it all fizzes up, “Who want’s it?”, “It’s her birthday”, and Queenie gumbais a mystery shot. “Oh it’s pretty good!”, so three more of those show up. Our server is ecstatic about this.

I pull out my phone to swipe some notes of the events, it’s just too funny and I don’t want to forget this shit tomorrow. Server girl pantomimes a fake phone pick up with her pinky finger and thumb, “Yes hello? Yes it’s me, you want more drinks?”, we’re all cracking up about this, that shit is funny.

Thankfully the servers distraction was enough to turn the hottie cyclone into just a minor gale. This seems like an odd thing to complain about actually.

Funny server girl comes back on the success of her fake phone call from last time with a new fake call. This time Drisdelle picks up with a fake phone of his own, “Hello? No no we’re drunk, we don’t need anymore drinks”, “Oh you’re too drunk for drinks? Maybe just one more bucket?”, and Drisdelle uses his fingers like fake scissors to cut the invisible phone line up to his fake phone. Ohhh that’s good. She’s dying laughing about this but also takes the hint and gives us some space from the constant drink slinging.

While this has all happened I’ve somehow managed to Pupil tractor a gaggle of 5 girls over to our table by accident. They really want to dance. They’re taking selfies with us. They want to talk and know where we are from. Turns out they’re all from Laos. When we tell them we’re going there in a couple weeks they get so excited. They are all from some north island (it’s pretty hard to hear aything, plus the language barrier, plus we’re totally mangoed now).

I try to snap a selfie of my own, but this is the best I can do.


One of them however has some crazy selfie flash on her phone that makes selfie magic out of pitch blackness and so we throw down a bazillion selfies with these Laos girls, none of which we’ll ever see.

Ok ok this is getting silly, we’re totally smammered, let’s get the fuck out of here. We make sure we’ve got our things and stand up to leave. At this precise moment the universe laughs at us and tells us Nope! You sit down and enjoy it you bitches. It does this by dumping another healthy batch of thunderstorm fresh torrential rain directly on top of the Green Mango. It’s coming down so hard you can hear it loudly over the music. You can see it flooding down off of the roof. To go back to the Regent like this would be a disaster. “Do you think they just put a hose on the roof? haha”, Queenie is cracking herself up.

Well damn. Some opportunistic server sees our predicament and brings over another airstrip sized menu. Alright fine, three vodka sodas. Not buckets. Just the drinks. Our funny server girl sees us doing this and she pretends to sob heavily. “Oh no no, she caught us!”, “She’s so sad”, I tell her “It’s ok, it’s ok” and pat her on the shoulder. She brightens right up and then shoves a jack and coke right into my open smiling mouth and starts dumping it in. I hesitate at first but it seems she’s determined to get the whole drink in there so I suck it up and get about 80% in. The rest is running down my face and onto the table like the rain running down the sheet metal of Green Mango’s roof.

The rain won’t let up and neither will the servers or Thai hotties. We’re stuck in some amazing form of hell. We fake phone call in another round of vodka sodas with funny server girl, they come down, we put them back, and then seemingly on queue, the bar is closing, the rain is letting up and the circling Thai Fighters are reporting back to home base.

We say goodbye to our server with some fist bumps. She totally fakes Drisdelle out and runs her fingers through her hair instead. Queenie loves this move.

We also say goodbye to our new friends from Laos. The only hotties brave enough to fight the centrifuge all the way to the table. They were super sweet and polite and wished us a great trip and hoped that we’d fall in love with Laos. We just might.


We are just retardodrunk now but manage to find our way back no problem. The rain feels kind of nice, cooling things off a bit. Damn, that was crazy. Green Mango is a crazy place. Can’t wait to tell MacKay about this stupid shit tomorrow when we grab him at the Bangkok airport. Then the adventure will really begin!

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