Sweet Sweet Temple Street Feast

Zsshhht! short walk and we’re back in the Temple Street night market area. Yessssssh! This is more like it. The hustle bustle of street vendors and foot massage parlors, weird meats, produce and seafood.

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There are a ton of great looking food options here, we’re looking for some Hong Kong staples to mow down. We browse the goods for some pig anus. Bingo! Grab a couple of the spicy asshole sticks and keep trucking.

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Getz and Tha Queebs hit up some Shark Fin Soup. This is totally appalling to the public these days so now it’s marketed at the vendors as Fake shark fin soup, or imitation shark fin soup. I think it’s made from bean noodles and has some gelatin clumps in it to make it seem shark finny. We have a seat with some road beers and take in a sampling of various goody sticks and the soup.

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Nom nomz, we keep meandering around the night market area re-upping on road beer along the way. We find an area with more material goods like bags, clothes and selfie sticks and circle about to see what’s in there.

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I talk to one of the vendors about a cool soft leather bound journal. There is some writing on it that I can’t read so I ask the girl, “It says know yourself and know your enemy.” Amazing. I must have it. Hongbucks for you, vessel of future musings for me.

We come to what seems like the center of the Temple Street night market area and decide it is high time to get our true feast on. A quick scan of the menus and we pull up to one of the street side restaurants and grab a table. The menu is incredible and we absolutely crank up the shared plate tally with a table of food fit for a king of gods.

Everything we ordered was tha bamb! Huge variety of smells and flavors, the ratatat of chop stick snacky sampling, we were loving it. We ordered things in waves, a few plates at a time, whatever caught our eye.

We started with a Cantonese delicacy, Blood Pudding. Coagulated pigs blood, mixed with rice, diced in cubes. This is similar to black pudding you might find at breakfast in the UK. I’m kind of hit and miss with pig’s blood having tried it several times at dim sum places. But this was a whole different story. The texture, the flavor, the consistency, everything was perfect. Queenie, who doesn’t usually like pig’s blood, was going in for more and more. Earthy, slightly sweet, It was outstanding.

We also picked up a plate of Goose Feet. This came slightly braised, teriyaki style. Don’t think I’ve had goose feet before, we basically ate them chicken wing style. The webbed meat between the goose toes was an interesting chewy texture, not too chewy though. This  dish was also delicious.

Keeping on the goose train we ordered up some boiled, seasoned goose intestine. No meal is quite complete anymore without the entrails of some animals poop chute. Mixed with bean sprouts, bamboo shoots, and some ginger and soya sauce these goose intestine were num nummy. We kept the dishes coming…

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Wouldn’t be complete without some Stinky Tofu so we piled on a plate of that as well. And looky here! Spicy Frog’s Legs. Yessh pleasssh! These were amazing. Also chicken wing style grubbing, they were cooked perfectly. Juicy tender little froggy legs absolutely loaded up with hot chilies. A couple bites and my lips were kind of numb (what does that? sichuan peppers?). So I’d have to have one or two and then take a break, maybe cool off with some pig’s blood before coming back in. But these frog’s legs really were phenomenal.

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We were feasting our faces off, just couldn’t help it. Everything was so soooo good. But there was one dish on every sign in the square that absolutely had to be the cat’s meow. And even though McBurger and I couldn’t eat it there was no way we were leaving without it: Spicy Crab!

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Agent Getz and Tha Queebs tackle this bad boy all by themselves. Apparently it was super spicy as well. Not quite on the frog leg level but hottie hot hot. And “wow”, there were lot’s of “Wows” coming from those two while they ate it so it must have lived up to the hype.

The servers keep the tall Asahi bottles coming and we were raiding the table like fiends. A slight drizzle started but we were covered. Some others in the more street way tables weren’t but no one seemed bothered. I took a break from chowing to lean back in the chair with my beer, lean to the side a bit to make some more room for food in the extremities, and really take things in. Just fantastic, had to raise a glass, “This is a feast to be remembered”, “Gum Bai!”

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And then there was a sudden burst of movement from the servers. They were rushing over to peoples tables, nabbing plates and hustling them away. Customers looked confused but were getting up quickly and then helping them move tables to the side. “What’s going on? Rain?”, “Maybe an ambulance coming or something” (the tables were literally in the street, but it was all foot traffic). “Dunno.” They cleared the whole street of tables and re-positioned everyone to the sides of their stand within a few minutes.

One of the servers came to our table with another beer and I asked what’s going on. “Food inspector”, we all broke out laughing. I thought something really serious was going down. Food inspector. It’s a night market in Asia haha. Nothing here would pass any sort of health regulations. It’s one of the reasons to go, give your immune system a little wake up call. And on that note, fuck it, let’s get some escargot! Snails aren’t from the sea right? I’m not allergic to those…. right? (Turns out I’m not)

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After the great food inspector frenzy, all of the tables were put back out on the street and business resumed as usual. We asked one of the servers to document the occasion of our finest meal of the trip with a picture. And that’s saying something with all the killer food we’d been getting, including the Michelin starred dim sum joint from the other day, Hello Kitty Dim Sum and our food adventure in Snake Alley. No, this easily took the cake for best meal and was a great final feast for our last night in Hong Kong.

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Naturally, afterwards, with a little bit of the Asahi giggles, we hit up the local sex shop. Mainly because it was right there but also because spicy frog legs make McBurger insanely horny. I think it’s called the Orgasm G Spot.

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Up the steps, around the corner and the place opens up into a sexual wonderland of glistening slutty merchandise. We peruse the shelves. A decent collection of dildos, strap-ons and extenders. Good costume, gags, ropes, bondage and fuzzy handcuff section too. A Hong Kongese couple comes in while we’re deciding on the right lube for the circumstances. We can hear them giggling a few isles over. Her face flushes red when I catch them in the wearable edibles section.

Amazing tentacle porn section! And some top notch silicone ‘real feel’ kind of things for home and travel. McBurger seems pretty enticed by the Green-Baby Queenie found

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Aaaaaaay! the Fonzie

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After a good gigglefest and comprehensive browsing of the store we gather up several thousand dollars worth of explicit merchandise and hit the streets looking for a cab back to Bao’s.

Traffic seems to have picked up in the area but we find a guy easily and jump in. “You look like Jesus Christ. Your style”, “Yeah thanks, I get that a lot”. We’re stuck in traffic for a bit but when we get onto a highway out of town I notice that this guy has all sorts of levers and dials on the steering wheel. He pushes one and the car seems to boost off, he’s twisting some knob on the steering wheel, constantly flipping switches, what is all this stuff? Nitro cab? Some sort of steampunk taxi? Are we about to go back in time?

He notices me take interest in all of his gadgetry, “You looking forward to Christmas?”, “Yeah man, it’s my birthday.” And I slip into a food coma in the lull of the ride and whiz of twisting cranks and knobs.

“Thanks man”, door shuts, fist bump the security guard, bushwhack up the elevator, rattle  the metal door, and back to my tiny diagonal blanky in Bao’s safe house. Just one more night on the floor and then back to pillow mountain.

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