SEA Rally Tallies

Despite being riddled with Zika, parasites and open flesh wounds, at the culmination of our voyage we ascended the sacred Mt. Robitussin and consulted with the half-monkey / half-monks that reside there. We entered a state of enlightenment after three days of Connect 4 with the Greatest Hooker Connect 4 Champions in the world, and then were allowed passage to the Inner Sanctum of Phousi. 99 virgins aided us into the healing salt bath and we emerged more than men, but living bipedal calculators. With this, we bring you our rally tallies.

Food & Drink

Liquor buckets drank: 28
Best liquor bucket: 3 for $5 @ the Green Mango, Red Bull / Vodka
Quesadillas eaten in countries:  5/6
Scorpions eaten: 4
Tarantulas eaten: 4
Tarantula Donuts eaten: 1
Snakes on sticks: 2
Snakes on sticks thrown in the gutter: 2
Dogs eaten: 3
Best dog: Tie – two dogs gay-sexing in front of Luang Prabang travel agency
Best dog cut: Old dog sausage
Crocodiles: 2
Max consecutive McDonald’s meals: 3 (MacKay)
Best cocktail: The Volcano at Tai by Red Snapper
Runner up cocktail: Jagger Mojitos in Hanoi and Langkawi
Worst cocktail: Drisdelle’s Long Island Ice Tea pitcher that exploded
Best shot: T-34 shot in Sihanoukville

Health

Hospital visits: 4
Max simultaneous diseases:  Murphy – 3 (Pinkeye, TB, Zika)
Most disgusting infection: 3-way tie between MacKay’s ears, Murphy’s eyes and Drisdelle’s finger
Times Murphy had a solid shit:  Once on the entire trip
Times Murphy complained about his lack of solid shits:  Min 3 x per day
Number of massages received: 9
Number of ‘massages’ received: 9

Transportation

Tuk Tuks: 87
Best driver: Dude that took us to the ping pong show in Bangkok
Remorks: 16
Best driver: Ping Ping SB in Siem Reap
Truck Tuks: 7
Taxis: 35
Best driver: Dude in Penang that asked rhetorical questions (“Why do I say what I’m saying?”)
Subways: 0
Buses: 9
Worst bus: 3-way tie!!
Horn-spanking karaoke shitbus to Saigon
Breakdown en route to Bagan
Breakdown en route to Kuala Lumpur
Trains: 3
Best train moment: Meeting Rich en route to Nha Trang
Boats: 7
Best boat: Mekong boat to Vietnam with drunk captain
Best/Worst boat: Speed boat up the Mekong in Laos to the Thai broder
Private Cars: 3
Best driver: “High Kicks” Ha in Hue
Scooters: 5
Jetskis: 2
ATVs: 2
Glass-bottomed gondolas: 2 (Make the rockin world go round)

People

Best people:

  • Two British guys in Saigon we watched MMA with
  • Pedro in Laos
  • All the other boys in Laos, you know who you are yeaaah
  • Rich & Paul in Nha Trang
  • Alicia in Langkawi
  • Leah and Joaquim on the Laotian border
  • Thai nurse in shitty Laotian hospital
  • Lu Maw
  • Lu Maw’s daughter and her husband
  • Susan in Hue
  • All the staff at Zackry’s
  • Mikkel from Denmark
  • Gay hostel guy who liked Murphy in Chiang Mai
  • The Uni of Melbourne girls on the boat in Ha Long Bay
  • The Dutch bicycle enthusiast in Chau Doc
  • Tuktuk driver to the ping pong show
  • Saigon Oompaloompa

Worst people:

  • Bruce in Ha Long Bay
  • Leatherman in Hanoi
  • Graaaaaaham in Luang Prabang, you piece of shit
  • Whoever stole our beer in Langkawi
  • Whoever stole my fucking boots in Luang Prabang, I’ll kill you if I find you
  • Vladimir (“Like Putin”) in Saigon
  • MacKay
  • Saigon Oompaloompa

Stupid Shit

Ping pong balls
Times prostitutes made Drisdelle uncomfortable: 23
Times Murphy encouraged said prostitutes: 23
Times MacKay made prostitutes uncomfortable: 23
Times prostitutes picked us up on scooters and took us to pizza: 1
Sport coats purchased: 2
Times we beat hookers at Connect 4: 1 (Drisdelle)
Times hookers beat us at Connect 4: 99.62% (Not Drisdelle)
Tickle fights: 5
Boxer Time!: 16
Times Murphy was referred to as Kobra: 43% of the trip
Times Drisdelle assumed ‘The Position’ and fell asleep at a bar: 16
Times we said “It’s Fine” when it was not fine at all: 88%
Times we drove motorized vehicles over UNESCO heritage sites: 1
Times we ate psychedelic drugs in holy sites: 2
Times we stayed up all night: 8
Times we stayed up two nights: 1
Times we walked down dark alleys looking for trouble: 6
Times we were douchin it hard: 100%

If none of this makes any sense, go back to the start

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