With the DFN-9000X Supercomputer on the fritz, we’ve had to consult our midget Travel Stenographer to dredge up this most recent batch of travel statistics from the South American portion of our adventure. After slaving away over abaci, and quadruple-checking our calculations this document was then passed to a group of former Nazi super-scientists whom we’d kidnapped from a secret base in the Antarctic. When they completed their assessment we politely rolled them up in carpets and threw them off a bridge. Here are the results. IN YOUR FACE.
Milestones
Countries – 6
Columbia, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, Argentina, Chile
Capital cities – 4.33333
Quito, Lima, La Paz, Santiago
Drisdelle went to Bogota solo
Legal border crossings – 9
Possibly illegal border crossings – 1
Definitely illegal border crossings – 1
Transportation
Cab rides – 67
Backwards cab rides – 2
Train rides – 4
Subways – 3
Funiculars – 2
Telefericos/Gondolas – 2
Rickshaws – 1
Tractors – 1
Horses – 3
Jeep buggies – 1
Quad bikes – 1
Planes – 3
Boats – 16
Rafts – 1
Paddle boats – 1
Bicycles – 5
Death Road close calls – 4
Consecutive laps around a single square in Cusco in a double-decker bus – 7
Times hitchhiking – 2
Maximum distance walked in one day – 39 kilometers (~24 miles)
Food and Drink
Wine – Virtually impossible to count due to $3 boxes of Gato in Chile
Beer – Also immeasurable
Good Beer – 15
Warm Wine – 1 Jar
Bottles of Ron – 27
Pisco Sours – 34
Piscolas – 47
Aquardiente shots – 6
Worst booze – “Old Times” whiskey
Coca candy/chocolate – 75
Cups of Coca Tea – 535
Ribs for breakfast – 1
Horses eaten – 1
Guinea pigs eaten – 2
Alpacas eaten – 3
Mystery plates – 4
Number of ‘Shit on Fries’ plates consumed – 11
Times Drisdelle ordered food off a menu and it wasn’t available – 85%
Percent of food Drisdelle ate in Peru that was ceviche: 82%
Music
Songs drunkenly sang a capella – 3
Number of times we heard November Rain – Over 60
Number of times we heard Winds of Change – 53
Karaoke bars we Rick Rolled – 1
Karaoke songs butchered – 89%
Karaoke songs with a perfect score – Careless Whisper
Times we’ve linked to Brick in Yo Face from a post – 7
Times we’ve “Brickrolled” our readers with those links – 116
Leisure
Most hours spent in a hammock in one day – 15 (Murphy)
Crazy 8s Countdown – Murphy 4 v Drisdelle 1
Connect 4 Premier League – Murphy 10 v MacKay 9
Connect 4 World Champion – Fatima
Bars danced on – 1
Middle Eastern dictators drank with – 1
Drive by shootings witnessed – 1
Drive by shootings undertaken – 5th Amendment, yo
Random Shit
Classic Latin American tickle fights witnessed – 8
Wheelbarrow races witnessed – 2
Gnarliest sunburn – MacKay while rafting in Ecuador (lines still visible 4+ months later)
ALF sightings – 6
Cars damaged by Murphy & a soccer ball – 1
Most baller counterfeit watch purchased – Murphy
Ecuadorian car alarms overheard – Approximately 372
Most dogs spotted on the roof of a single house – 4
Street dogs befriended – 17
Number of times…
Murphy was violently attacked by insects – 4
Murphy was crawling with vermin – 1
Drisdelle didn’t participate in “Boxer Time” – 100%
Drisdelle got hit on by a blind guy in a matter of minutes – 3
Drisdelle almost took a header just strolling down the street – 8
MacKay had to run to the bathroom in Peru – 39
MacKay had to run to the bathroom during a single meal – 5
MacKay sharted himself – 0 (Allegedly)
Drisdelle had to ease off on the Death Road, lest he shart himself – Several
Drisdelle puked in a bar – 1 (Not allegedly)
Drisdelle passed out in a bar – 2
Murphy had his room barged in on by Ecuadorian dope fiends – 1
MacKay got excited over a hot chick only to have been tricked by a mannequin – 3
MacKay was busted checking out a tranny hooker – 1
We wore woman’s outfits – 2